COMPUTER LOVE

So I finally decided to give this online dating thing a try. I consider myself an attractive, friendly girl, so at this point what do I have to lose?? I created an account on blackpeoplemeet.com and was instantly tagged by several guys. After going through a few of their profiles,one in particular caught my eye. He was a single black man in his early thirties, pretty attractive and well dressed from his profile pic. We set a date shortly after our first “internet conversation”. Our first date was at a Comedy Show and Mr. Man was as attractive in person as he was online. He was very sweet,funny, down to earth,and just seemed like an overall nice guy. At the end of the night we agreed to hang out again the following week.

The following week we went on a date to Rosa Mexicano and had just as nice a time as we did the week before.Conversation flowed, he explained to me that he was looking to settle down and potentially start a family soon. He was doing well in his career and was financially sound. Again, we agreed to go out again and had a marvelous time that time, and the time after that and the time after that.So now at this point, the man has proven to be pretty consistent, treats me well, and is funny and smart with good conversation. Since he passed all preliminary "tests", by date 13 a sista is ready to get “some”. I decide to speed things along and hint to Mr. Man that we can chill in his house one evening instead of going out. He says okay! So we go to his house one night to watch movies and that’s what we did, Watch movies! He leaned in to kiss me and it was okay, nothing to write home about, but again no action. SO I go home like hmm okay…still frustrated.

The following night we’re talking on the phone and I tell him how my back hurts and I needed a massage (which was true). He told me how he gives great massages and that he’ll give me one! So I quickly agree to getting a massage from him the following weekend. I go to his house and lay on his bed stomach down shirt OFF, and he proceeds to give me the BEST MASSAGE of my life! At this point I’m super turned on and can’t wait for what’s next;when he gets off of me and says , “ Man I hate Meet the Browns, I mean that show is just soo stupid!” Okay PAUSE. Here I am lying in your bed half naked and you’re talking about MEET THE BROWNS??? FML. I proceed to listen to his MR. Brown ratings and character impersonations for the next half hour before I fall asleep with my clothes on and hornier than a bitch in heat!!

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

It was towards the end of the night at my girl's birthday party and I had just finished wobbling and "backing it up" on no one in particular,when suddenly I spilled my drink on the floor. When I looked up I saw this six foot six caramel cutie looking down on me with amusement. He was standing on the bar, so he immediately ordered me another drink.I thanked him profusely, shaking my head that I even made that move in front of him. We proceeded to talk and flirt with one another, until his friend grabbed him and said it was time for them to head to the W. We exchanged numbers and him and his boy left and that was that.

He called me and texted me the next day and we agreed to go on a “date” the following week when I was free. We met at a new restaurant that was fairly close to both of our houses on the evening of the date. He was as I remembered him, but even taller. We opted to sit on the couches in the restaurant so he could have some leg room instead of at the regular table and just talked and laughed. I could tell he was kind of the shy, quiet type, however, my gregarious personality had him opening up to me by the end of the night. He asked when my last relationship was so I told him, and then of course I asked him when his last one was. He then proceeded to PULL OUT HIS PHONE AND LOOK IN THE CALENDAR. “Umm what are you doing?” I ask. He’s like,” I’m trying to figure out when I broke up with my ex.” At this point I’m like what in the world??? So homeboy scrolls through the month of August and stops at August 14th which was only two weeks ago and goes, "Oh it ended that weekend!" I’m like, "Umm really so you’ve been single for two weeks?" He responds with,"Yea I guess you could say that." At this point I’m just laughing to myself like how corny is this man to pull out a calendar for 1. And for 2. It was just two weeks ago,you could’ve just said that!! SMH! Me and my big mouth proceed to ask him how long he was in the relationship for, and he said do you really want to know, and I’m like yea just tell me ( I hate when people ask me this) thinking he’s about to say ten years or something. "A Month," he says. “A MONTH! What?” I ask? Okay PAUSE! You mean to tell me you were with this girl for a “month” and classify it as a relationship and then you are telling me this!?? I quickly gulp down my drink and am thinking LORD what is this man about???

He then proceeds to tell me he has never been in a relationship for over four months. Wait. Stop the presses again! He said his last “girlfriend” asked him out and he said yes even though he didn’t really want to, and the young lady prior to her revealed she had bi-polar and ADHD so he headed for the hills! I burst out lauhging so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks.I know he has a young child so I ask how long he was with her mother, he said about four months or so, and she found out she was pregnant two weeks after they broke up. WHOA!! This is all something out of a comedy show at this point- The episode where they tell you what NOT to reveal on a first date! He then proceeds to ask me what I am looking for relationship wise and I quickly respond back with “NOTHING”!!

What kind of fool would I be to take a thirty year old man seriously who has never been in a serious relationship?? The crazy part is he was so nice and such a gentlemen and I am all for working with a “brotha” but I’m not about to be the next month long driveby girlfriend!

I guess I’ll just be the one that got away!

FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT!

I recently met this guy who was heavily involved in local politics (outside of the DC area). We went on a few dates, out to dinner, to NYC's Summer Jam concert (VIP/box seats), movies, etc. One night after a late night movie in New York he asks me if I would like to experience the “real” NYC. I had no clue what the "real" NYC could be, but, I was down. So, we drive to some non-descript building in Midtown - no signs, no crowded line, no doorman. I’m thinking okay, if this is the “real” NYC so far so good! We step up to the door and he rings a buzzer that I did not even notice was there. We step into the doorway and he pays a man $160 and gives him some fake names. At this point I'm thinking, Man this is some exclusive exclusive club! I didn't even have on club gear. But, little did I know, I wouldn't need it.

We enter the club and people everywhere are butt ass "NAKED." We get to a room, undress and put towels around us. I noticed that he peeked over at me while I was naked...should have turned and walked out then, but of course I didn't, out of curiosity maybe. Then we start walking around and in these open rooms are people openly having sex! Inside I'm freaking out hoping that he doesn't expect me to do any of the freaky shit we were witnessing! As we walk around he's feeling on my ass and I'm thinking "Get the hell off, you freaky ass!" But, I calmly smile and keep walking around.

After about an hour of watching people going at it and giving each other head I said, "Let's go!" I have to admit I always tossed around having sex in an open place with people watching, but this shit was waaay too freaky. They looked like high sex fiends to me. Needless to say I stopped talking to his ass after that.

THE SHTTE** DATE EVER!!

One night, I was out with my girls, when I noticed that I received a message on Facebook. Normally, I don’t pay much attention to my Facebook messages, but the subject line caught my attention, and it said: “I think we have met before.WOW, you are beautiful”. So, I read the message, to see who it was and there was a very nice message from a guy who claims to have met me before through a mutual friend. We started to converse back and forth and eventually exchanged numbers. We had great conversations and a lot of mutual friends in common. Through our conversations, I found out that he didn’t have any children, a great job, and an even better personality. I thought to myself, why is such a great guy single? There has to be something wrong. After three weeks of conversing, we decided to go on a date.

I have to admit, that my very first mistake with going out with this guy was deciding to ride in a car with him. Normally, I drive my own car just in case he turns out to be crazy, or just a plain asshole. However, I felt comfortable enough to ride with him and I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Now, this guy was very, very sexy. He was dressed really clean, had a very nice truck and I thought to myself; WOW, this is a change from some of the guys that I have met previously.

So, we left from our meeting spot and he kept telling me that he needed to find a gift for his dad’s birthday. After about twenty minutes of driving around, we pulled over to a gas station. This particular station was full service, so the attendee walks up to the truck and says” Welcome to Swifty, how much would you like to put in your vehicle?” My date replies: “$5.00”. Now, both the attendant and I have confused looks on our face because we can’t understand why anyone would put $5.00 in their truck, when gas is nearly $4.00 a gallon. The attendee who apparently thought that he misunderstood repeated the question, “I apologize sir, did you say $25.00?” My date looked at him and swiftly replied:”No, $5.00.” I couldn’t help but to chuckle underneath my breath because that was so bizarre to me. Who in the hell puts $5.00 in a big GMC Yukon that is past E? After that, I knew that it was going to be a shitty date. I had no idea, just how shitty it would be.

After we left the gas station, we pulled up to the liquor store. My date jumps out and grabs a six pack of beer. Now, I was extremely confused at this point because I couldn’t understand why he was buying beer when we were on our way to dinner. Once he got back in the car, I asked him what the beer was for. He says: “Duh, it’s my dad’s birthday gift.” I thought to myself, WTF? Who buys their dad a six pack of beer for their birthday?” So we left the liquor store and we kept going back and forth about where we should eat. We were so involved in the conversation, that I didn’t even notice that we had taken a detour and ended up driving in some neighborhood and then he parked the car. At this point I am getting pissed off and I said:” where are we going?” He says, I am dropping by my house to put this beer in the freezer and then we can go to dinner. I rolled my eyes and pulled my cell phone out of my car to call one of my girls.

At this point, I was pissed off because I felt all of this other ish should have been taken care of before going out with me. I called my girl to tell her about the $5.00 gas and the six pack of beer birthday gift. I was sitting in the car for about twenty five minutes when I realized how long I had been waiting on him. I called him for about five minutes to see what he was doing. He finally came back outside and I was extremely upset and I said, “What the *beep* were you doing? How in the hell are you going to just leave me in the car for twenty five minutes” This ninja says, with a straight face “My fault, I had to take a shit and I didn’t want to tell you that”. I said “Are you serious?” He said yeah, I mean what’s the problem?” At this point I was thinking, should I just go home and say eff this date or do I deserve a free meal at this point?” Like a dummy, I decided to get my meal because at this point he was paying for every damn thing for me having to deal with this all of this buffoonery. And then, halfway to the restaurant, he says, can we go back and get your car so you can drive; this truck is a damn gas guzzler. It is already back on E. I said hell no, we are not getting my car, it’s not a gas guzzler, of course you will only be able to drive two miles up the street when you put $5.00 in a big ass truck.

We arrived at the restaurant and ish continued to go downhill. The first ten minutes he looked around for an outlet for his cell phone, he was disrespectful to the waitress, and to make matters worse, Can y’all believe this ninja asked me to pay for my own meal? I said; you better get outta here. You asked me out. I ain’t paying for ish. We got back to the car and I couldn’t wait to get home. This dude had the nerve to say, are you coming home with me? I kindly said, “Now explain to me why I would want to go home with a ninja with boo boo all in his ass. I need you, Shitty Shawn, to take me back to my car immediately.”

I never heard from him again. Thank goodness.

THE COOKOUT

So B and I have been good friends for a while now. We had this weird chemistry/connection thing going on where we flirt with one another allllll the time, kiss here and there, hang out all the time, all my friends know him and his friends know me, but we never really took it there took it there. Anytime he has an event or get together he always invites me, so one summer day I get a call from Tony who is a mutual acquaintance, and he asks if I’m going to B’s cookout? What cookout I’m thinking in my mind? "Umm the big one B has every summer," he says "Um yea I’ll be there," I tell Tony hanging up.

I quicky text B like dag you’re having a cookout and I don’t get an invite? What’s up? He immediately calls me and is like, " Oh no I could’ve sworn so and so facebooked you the invite." Mind you 1. B doesn’t even have a Facebook page himself, 2. I’m not even friends with so and so on Facebook or in real life so WTF????? "Naw he didn’t," I reply. "Why didn’t you tell me yourself?" I ask. "Oh I thought I did babes. Of course you are invited!" Pause. (We JUST spoke the night before and he asked me what I was doing this day, never mentioning this cookout! Guess I’m boo boo the fool!!) "Matter of fact, you better come," he says!! "No no if u don’t want me there just tell me," I reply. "Girl stop playing.You better be there!"

"Okay, I’ll see you tonight," I say and hang up!

I immediately call my bestie and am like gurrrl we gotta go to B’s house for his secret cookout tonight. HE’s definitely hiding something and I have a feeling I know what it is!! “ We in there,” says bestie hanging up the phone!

That night we roll up to B’s house..the place is packed ..cars everywhere we have to park two blocks over. We walk up to the house all the homies and then some are there. "Hey , hey," we say to everyone making our way inside the backyard. We’re chilling mingling still see no signs of B , but it is his house so we’ll see him eventually. "I’m hungry," bestie says "let’s go to the kitchen and get something to eat since all the food out here is cold." So we make our way to the kitchen and are fixing our plates when I hear B laughing as he walks into the kitchen. He stops dead in his tracks and is looking like a deer in highlights. "Hey,"I say "Heeey," he says awkwardly. I look behind him and there she is..WIFEY I guess because she is holding his hand and pressed into his back for dear life. Inside I'm laughing like AHA this is why I didn’t get the invite. He barely even acknowledges bestie who he is very cool with any other time , probably becayse he knows she tells it like it is. "You not gonna speak B," bestie asks? "Oh hey hun," he says still standing stock still. Mind you any other time I would’ve gotten a hug and kiss and bestie would’ve gotten a hug by now. "Okay well the fires under this food are out and it's cold," she says. Wifey or whoever she is just stands there like she is attached to this mans hip and is completely oblivious to the rest of us. If she would get off his back and light this fire we may have some warm food I'm thinking .SMH. "Okay" he says and walks out the door holding hands with wifey and wifey traiking behind him like a puppy dog. "WTF" bestie aks . "You know what it is," I say.

Not sure why he felt he had to “hide” his relationship status when we're not kickin it that hard ..SMH. Of course the next day I get a call apologizing for him not being able to spend time with me because it was so much going on… blah blah.."Do you boo we're all grown, no need to explain," I calmy reply.
"Matter of fact I'm going to take you out to dinner this week," he says. "Sure, why not?" I reply. "Long as dining with me doesn’t get you in trouble!! "

WHEN IT ALL FALLS DOWN!

It was the night of the Trey Songz and Usher concert and it seemed like everybody and their mama was going to this concert, except me!! Now at first I didn’t want to go, but after the tenth text from someone asking if I was going I was mad I didn’t purchase tickets! Around 4:55 pm just as I’m getting ready to leave the office I receive yet another text asking if I was going to the show. Well this time the text is from Mr. New Guy whom I met at a party a few weeks ago. Hey are you going to the show he asks?? Unfortunately not, I reply. I really wanted to go but didn’t get tickets. Frowny face! Aww that’s too bad, he responds, because I’m going up there! Well have fun,I replied dejectedly packing my little basgs and heading out. We hang up the phone and I walk out of the office. Not even ten minutes after I hang up Mr. New Guy calls back and is like hey I have a suite so if you want to come to the show you are more than welcome. Oh my gosh are you serious?? I ask. Yea he says. Matter of fact just meet me up there I’ll leave the tickets at Will Call. Okay I say hanging up. Aww how sweet of him are the first thoughts running through my head. Then I slow down and say hold up. He’s leaving the tickets at Will Call? ??? What if he’s lying and has me on a wild goose chase! This has happened once before where a guy told me he had some exclusive tickets to an Inauguration event and me being pressed to see the newly elected President got out of my warm bed on a cold winter morning and rushed to the Convention Center all to have the guy tell me Oops my bad I wasn’t able to get the tickets but still wanted to see you. But I digress!


Okay get it together I say rushing home. Lord what am I going to wear??? I find some sexy black number and hightail myself down to the Verizon Center before my good fortune runs out! I get there and sure enough my tickets are at Will Call! Whew so glad I don’t have to cuss a ninja out tonight! I knock on the door not knowing what the heck I’m walking into and Mr. Nice Guy answers. The suite is pretty packed, a couple of Wizards players and some chicks. Of course as soon as I get in Trey is just getting off the stage, but no biggie, I’ve seen him before. At this point I’m starving since I rushed from work and didn’t get a chance to eat. Mr. New Guy offers me some wings and a drink, Sure I say gobbling that food down..lol. By the time Usher comes onto the stage I’m on drink number two feeling good. Mr. New Guy and I are vibing, laughing, joking, everyone in the suite is singing and dancing to Ursh. Again I’m feeling great at this point.

No sooner had Usher left the stage and most of the people in the suite left…NO CAN’T BE… I feel my stomach rumbling and belllcccccccccccccccccchhhhhh up comes all of my drink and food! Wait this cant be happeing I think doubled over on the floor..blllllllllllllllllllllllllwwww out comes more! Oh no is she alright some girl screams! No No not me I say and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh okay now this is serious! I am in the middle of a suite with a man I barley know..Wizards players and I’m puking my guts up! Floor open up and swallow me whole now please!! Hey babe come to the bathroom and get it out Mr. New Guy says rubbing my back. Somehow we make it to the bathroom where I finish handling my business..smh. OMG I’m sooo sorry I say getting up on wobbly legs. It’s okay sweetheart don’t worry about it Mr. New Guy says grabbing me and helping me walk out the suite and down the stairs to the garage. Why me I say whhhhyyyyyyyyyy? No sooner had he seated me in the car I throw up again on the side of the car..yep right in the garage! Okay someone is playing a cruel cruel joke on me. To make matters worse I was supposed to meet my girls after the show and my phone has blacked out for some reason and won’t come back on. In the midst of my gutfest MR. New Guy is being the perfect nice guy rubbing my back telling me it’s going to be okay. He asks me where I parked and drives me to my car. Are you sure you can drive home he asks. I’m sure I say. Last thing I need is to be passed out in some strange man’s home I don’t know inebriated and sick as a dog! It’s bad enough he even sees me in this condition on our second encounter!

Somehow, someway I managed to make my way home. And guess what, Mr. New Guy called the next day to ask me on another date!

THE PERFECT DATE

HIM and I had history. Well not thaaat kind of history, but the kind where you know someone from back in the day and had you both been in a different space and time who knows what the possibilities could have been. One rainy night, while leaving LIMA with my girl, we bump into HIM on the sidewalk. He calls out my name and I look up and there he is standing there, tall as ever, grinning. “Hey sweetie,” he says as he hugs me, “Hey hun,” I say giving him a hug back. At this point it’s raining hard so HE asks my girl and I if we would like a ride to our car. Of course we say yes and hop into his boys’ Range. On the way to our car we’re all laughing and joking and having a good time! Once he pulls up to my car he pulls out his phone and asks if I still have the same number. “Yes, my number is still the same “I reply as I hop out the car.

The next day I get a call from HIM, and we immediately pick up where we left off. We discuss music, current events, and just life. We’re both single NOW, so he confesses he always wished he had a chance back in the day and wants to make up for lost time now. We agree to meet for dinner later on that week at a “surprise” location.The night of the date he comes to pick me up and as I walk outside he immediately jumps out of the car and opens my door. When I get inside I see a gift bag on the seat. “What is this,” I ask? “It’s for you,” he replies. “For me, why did you get me something? “ I ask in amazement. “No reason, I just wanted to do something nice.” So I open the gift bag and inside is the cutest little teddy bear, a card, and the last gift just made me grin from ear to ear! Beside the card was R Kelly’s Love Letter CD. This meant the most to me because in one of our previous conversations I told him how R was my favorite R&B artist and I wanted his new album. So the fact that he remembered put a huge smile on my face. (Nothing like a man who remembers the little things!) Inside the card was a nice note that said, “To a Special Friend, I am so glad you are back in my life” Tear!!

On the way to the restaurant we’re vibing to some oldies but goodies, then I hear Eric Roberson. I have an affinity towards men who like Eric Roberson, (I have fond memories of the person who put me on to Eric, but that’s another story!) I’m like, “Hey, you like Eric Roberson?” He’s like “Yea, I love Eric!” So we’re driving and and singing, Missin' (STILL) Yearnin’ (oh no) Tossin' (STILL) Turnin' (STILL) Waitin' Shakin' Fiendin' (fiendin' for her STILL!)

We wind up going to Virginia and when we get to the restaurant I smile. He has chosen a posh Italian spot because I told him Italian was one of my favorite foods in yet another previous conversation. (Okay this dude has scored all tens tonight so far) Of course he opens all the doors and makes sure we are seated in a nice location. During dinner the conversation was amazing, another turn on. It’s always a good thing when you can have intelligent and honest conversation with someone over good food and drink!

On the way back to my house we pop Eric back in and continued to ponder the possibilities! Once we got to my house he got out of the car opened my door and walked me to my house. He said” I know it’s late, and you have work tomorrow, so I will see you again soon,” and with a kiss on the cheek he left.