Monday, September 30, 2013
HOW BEING SUPERFICIAL KEPT ME SINGLE!
How Being Superficial Kept Me Single
by TyKnighten author of The Sexy Single Mommy blog!
As I look back over the course of my life and the men that I have dated and the ones that I dissed, dogged or simply ignored because I was so busy looking at the exterior that I didn't take the time, to look at his interior, I have to wonder if I would be happily married by now. Although I know this to have been a problem in my past, I am still repeating the same patterns today, at 40 years old...
Ms. Too Damn Superficial...that's me!There are men who I dated...one of which I was in love with and who I know loved me unconditionally that I broke up with because I felt that he was too old to NOT have his shit together. Many a friend told me that I he just needed the right woman behind him to get him on track. My response was always, "I'm not THAT woman!" I was so busy looking at what he DIDN'T have that I ignored all of the qualities that he DID have and many of those qualities were ones that you would want in a life partner.
After I broke up with him, I got with my son's sperm donor who HAD all of the material things that I THOUGHT a man should have but his character was fucked up!Even after breaking up with him andhaving a child, my ex and I remained friends and he was even willing to take us BOTH into his life and raise my son as his own but, true to fashion, I turned him down, still believing that he had to have XYZ in order for me to get back with him. SMH!
Years later, after I had surgery on my foot, he took the train to my house (he still didn't have a car), stayed the weekend, did my laundry, cleaned my house, cooked, rearranged my linen closet and hung out with my son and tended to me and I was STILL so stupid to be hung up on the things that he didn't have, that I still didn't give him the time of day while he was here, choosing to spend time in my room...watching TV and being dumb and ungrateful! And the crazy part of it all was that there was not ONE guy that I had dealt with that had all the shit that I thought was needed in order for me to be with them, that I could have called that would have done what my ex did. Ain't that some shit?
The moral to this story, for all of you who are out there looking for a man who has this long laundry list of what material things that you think a man should have in order for him to be THE ONE, learn from my mistakes. It's not always about what a man has or doesn't have but how well he treats you. If you can depend on him when things get rough, if he is willing to do whatever he can to make you happy, shows you that he cares and has a good character and a loving heart DON'T throw him out or discount him in order to waste your time with a bullshit ass man!The ones that are fine, nice bodies, nice cars, houses, good jobs and good dicks but are shallow as hell are NOT the ones that you want to even waste your time on because all thatAll that glitters is not gold and dicks come a dime a dozen and you still have change!
Don't ignore the man who isn't physically appealing to the eye, who may need to work out a bit or
who may be doing "bad" at the moment. Hell, no one is perfect and neither are you! Give people
a chance and believe it or not, a man who is worthy of your time will prove it to you, Just be patient and don't be superficial...like me!
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Interesting article. I don't know what it is like to be a single mother as I am just single woman with no kids. However, I think what you write is a little misguided. I have never seen an article like this in any of the predominately white blogs or white publications I read. Basically, it seems like you are saying don't have standards or expectations but just like or learn to see the beauty in a guy that is nice and will treat you right. While it is always important to be with a nice man I also believe that wanting to have a man that is established or has what you have or more is also important. White girls in my opinion are never told, like the nice guy but overlook the fact that he doesn't have a car, or has bad credit or doesn't have his *ish together. It seems like something we have been telling black women more and more because our black brothers aren't together. Sidenote: black men this is not a bashing comment. This is a comment of fact. More black women are finishing college and getting upper management positions. Are we telling black women who have accomplished all of these things, that in order to have a man you have to accept that he may not have as much as you, but if he is nice you should not overlook him, but settle with him? I think that is doing a disservice to women and specifically black women who have done so much to take advantage of all the opportunities presented to us. I think that black women should constantly be told to strive for more than a sperm donor as you call your child's father and a nice man. We should expect and want for all of us to have a decent man who is as accomplished as us or more.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, those are my two cents.
I actually agree with you Kim. Just because someone is "nice" does not mean they are the "nice" one for you. Once you become a woman of a certain age, stability really does mean and count for something. Not stable as in super rich, or even wealthy, but stable as in can hold things down if and when things get rough. You are right, black women are the only ones taught to bypass these qualities while white women learn from an early age to set their sights on a man who is a provider or can at least provide one day.
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